Thirty Years - Wow

Aug 5, 2015

Happy Thirtieth Birthday Daniel - wish I could celebrate it with you...

Entries from my journal:
August 7, 1985.
  "Daniel is still not any better.  They have machines all hooked up to him, and are pumping him all full of drugs and things.  ...  Little Danny has dark blue eyes, so they probably would have turned brown like his daddy's.  His hair is light brown, and a few waves, but no curls.  His weight at birth was 8lbs, 12oz, this morning it was up to 9lbs, 1oz."

August 8, 1985.
  "The lady in the bed beside me was up with her new baby girl all night. She was feeding and playing with her; I could not handle it at all! So I spent lots of time up walking around, or in the "tots toy room' crying and watching the thunder (outside). It was thundering and lightening the night I went in to deliver Daniel.
  Dean, mom, and I went into the Neo-natal part (of the hospital) to have a visit with Dr. Bingham, the baby's doctor.  He said the only thing that is keeping my Popit alive is the machines and medication.  We decided that we are going to stop administering drugs and slowly see if he can hold his own.  If he has an attack again we won't interfere, we'll let him go to heaven.  That's one big thing I hang onto: I get to see him again when I go."

August 15, 1985.
  "The hospital called at about 7:00, and said Dan's heart rate was way down, could I come to the hospital. I really got scared, ...  (I) sat for the next couple of hours and held (rocked) Daniel.  I held him until he passed away.  It was very hard to hold him, knowing that I was loosing him, but I had to let him know I love him very much, I didn't want him to be alone.  
While I was (rocking) him he passed away, but first he opened his eyes (and looked at me), enough for me to see the dark blue in them (again) ...  
He fought to stay alive: the machine would have a straight line for what (felt) like forever, then a (blip) would appear, and we'd know he was still with us.  The doctor said he'd never seen anything like it, such a fighter, he had a strong heart, and perfect lungs ... if it wasn't for the brain damage; if it wasn't for my birthing failure, he would have been a 'perfect baby'. No blemishes, no 'birth-marks'.
I am sorry Daniel, please forgive me..."
Goodbye my son.

Aug 15, 2015

Another year...    Until next year my sweet boy; you're still in my heart!