August 5, 2020 

Daniel, 35 years today; hard to believe! 

I often wonder what he would be doing today: 

Would he have gone to University? What would he have taken? 

Would he be more inclined in ways like his father, or his mother? 

Who would he look more like: his Dad’s side, or Mom’s side? 

Goodness, I hope his Dad.

This has been a very interesting week: full of eye openers and hmph’s. Exactly one week ago today I was laid off, (fired). It had been getting harder and harder to keep my mouth shut, and I was not doing a great job of this towards the end. I have a very hard time doing things in a way I feel is incorrect, especially when it will cost the client more money in the long run.

Things began going downhill about a month ago when I could not stay quiet any longer, - on this day I did not do things in quite the order wanted, and disagreed with the decision made to "correct" a difficult issue in a clients yard. I had a very animated, not nice, verbal argument.

  

The results of the argument was my working in a yard, which was unworkable, with much anger and with far too much force; further hurting an area by my rib, which I had already aggravated at a previous job site - making it quite unbearable.

                                        I was furious! 

                Part of the anger being that I was placed in a situation where this could occur, and partly because my reasons were not even considered let alone listened to; even though apparently I "am so important to the company, and we do not know what the f**k we would do without you! You are so valuable to us, we'd be f**ken lost without you!"  I was in so much pain I went to the doctor the next day and found out that I had in fact shredded the cartilage by the rib: an injury which is called costochondral separation. Translation: serious pain; not cool.

    When I got home that day after working in those conditions, I posted a picture on Instagram of the muddy mess I was after working in that yard... this did not please some persons. Further words were exchanged, which ended a few days later with another "discussion", during which a one sided conclusion was reached “I guess we can both say we were assholes on that day.“ ... umm no, you win that award all on your own - but thanks for the inclusion/accusation. 

Things did not get better from that day on, in fact proceeded to get worse. The gaslighting became so much more intense! I could take it no longer; I made the decision to hand in my resignation, and would do so mid August - but then realized if I resigned I would not be eligible to receive the government assistance offered during Covid19. After another nasty turn of events involving many more unearned accusations, I called a meeting with both owners and myself, “at a convenient location, during the work week”. I knew if some disarming happened, and the sense of power was removed, I could achieve that wee nudge they needed towards firing me. 

     I informed them I would be recording the conversation during the meeting, after which I would thoughtfully and objectively consider everything discussed during the meeting so I could formulate a calm response. This was not received well, as I knew it would not be, and it accomplished the complete derailment I was after! Words were stumbled over, gaslighting remarks, (which had been happening over the past three years) were very difficult to accomplish with a one-sided conversation. Then after fumbling about with words for awhile, accusations flying, I was told to "turn off the recording!" - I said if I turned it off the meeting would be over. I picked up my phone and turned to walk away. I had actually not turned off the recording yet when I was venomously told to "TURN IT BACK ON!"  At this point I was handed a letter of dismissal, and my final pay, followed by the adamant command “you do not contact any of our clients, and do not communicate with any of the staff!“. Three hours after our meeting I received an email from one of the clients inquiring if I was okay, and do I do this work outside of that company... The next day another client drove up in front of my house, (she does not live far from me, and knew where I live) and asked me if I do this type of work outside that company. Every single day, for the past week, I have heard from at least one of my crew, and so far about about 4-5 clients! Oh yes, that’s another thing said: “they are not your crew, they are the company’s crew“ - yea, well, bite me bitch!

           Well, it was a long time in coming, a painful journey in the end, but I am glad to be out.        I do miss the clients, and I do miss my crew very very much!                Oh well.

  Now here’s an interesting point: no one outside my (former) work has contacted me to ask me how I am doing. No one. It is very lonely discovering that you actually have no friends. I’m not saying I don’t have acquaintances, I have a few of those, I am talking about the kind of friend that actually asks you how you are doing because they truly want to know, and then listen because they truly care – not just because it’s the right thing to ask, "Hi, how are you? Did I tell you ...?". I do get the obligatory “how are you“ followed by stories of themselves, with no actual interest in my answer.     Not cool.

  If anybody were to ask, and care, my answer would be: “I’m not doing very well; I’m not in a good place right now, and I don’t know what to do; I am sad; I am lost; I am tired; I am lonely.” 

      Very sad. Very lost. Very lonely. And very very tired. Tired of all of it! So tired. And lonely.

               Definitely not a fan of life right now.

                          So very not a fan.

Maybe I don’t want to work in landscaping/gardening anymore, as I have said to anybody who listens.

Maybe I don’t want to be around those people, as I have said to anybody who listens.

Maybe I don’t want to live in Calgary, a city I don’t even like, as I have said to anybody who listens.

   I just want it all to go away - all of it.  I am so done.

That is how I am feeling, thanks for asking...